Thought we would pass along the latest email we just received from the Department of Player Safety at NHL HQ. As Mr. Shanahan states, we hope this helps to ease your concerns and allows you to move on through the season with fewer stress related illnesses.
National Hockey League
Department of Player Safety
1185 Avenue of the Americas, 15th Floor
New York, NY 10036
To: Minnesota Wild, and Minnesota Wild fans & Media
Subject: RE: Expediting Supplemental Discipline Matters Involving the Wild
Dear Mr. Leipold, Wild Players, fans, and Media:
In our ongoing efforts to make the supplemental discipline process easier and more transparent, we have decided to help you with your concerns regarding the lack of any supplemental discipline involving alleged dirty hits against the Minnesota Wild. To that end, we would like you to use the following form for announcing / writing about any further incidents regarding the Minnesota Wild. We hope this letter finds you well during the holiday season, and takes some of the burden off of your shoulders in the coming new year.
In Matter Regarding (Fill in opposing player name here)'s hit on (Fill in Wild Player name here), we at the Department of Player Safety have viewed the incident a great number of times from multiple angles, including (Circle two): On our sweet new Xbox Coli gave us / On our smart phone on the way to the latest Flyers - Rangers completely contrived and based only on marketing rivalry game / while listening to Gary Bettman complain about Sidney Crosby not being on the ice. While we feel that (Fill in opposing player name here) may have committed a rule violation, we feel strongly that he (Choose one) didn't mean to do it / didn't mean to injure / the play did not occur against a "cool" team / he was just playing with passion / we saw the same thing in a movie once and feel it was just funny.
Further, we feel that (fill in Wild player name) deserved to be punished for the truly vile tomahawk chop by Pierre-Marc Bouchard earlier this season and the fact that Cal Clutterbuck called us out for being unfair. In the future, please note that a ruling, once made, has absolutely no bearing on the decisions we make later in the year. The word precedent is difficult to spell, and often makes people think we are getting into Presidential politics, so we want to avoid that idea at all costs in order to not damage the image of the league.
While we can certainly understand the frustration of your ownership, management, media, and fans, the Department of Player Safety would like you to know that the NHL cares deeply for the safety of players east of Wisconsin and north of Virginia. If (fill in Wild player name here) wishes to appeal this decision, please have him contact the National Hockey League Players Association. The matter will quickly be swept under the proverbial rug as the PA wants no conflict with the league, and the appeal would go to Mr. Bettman who would never dream of overriding our decisions for fear we would actually do our jobs.
We trust this information will be useful in explaining to your players, media, and fans just why the NHL feels it is OK to act with reckless abandon, dangerous play, and intent to injure, just so long as that play is not directed at one of our marketable star players. If your fans or media have any further requests for information, please remind them that the Department of Player Safety, as an extension of the NHL, does not answer to them, and never will.
Please thank them for continuing to spend their hard earned money in support of our multibillion dollar organization, and recommend they continue to do so while watching their favorite players get injured with no recourse from the league.
Vice President, Department of Player Safety
(For those not getting it, this is satire. Please do not, for a second think we actually received this from the league.)
Stick tap to Nate Wells for the inspiration.