Hockey Wilderness Power Rankings: 12-9-2011

Jeff Taffe, ladies and Gentlemen. The reason why the Wild sit atop this week's power rankings.

In the young history of the Hockey Wilderness Power Rankings, we've gone from crazy to ludicrous stats for ranking the teams. Who knew the Wild would rank so low in top line sweater number combinations, but so high in the size matters category?

With the sudden surge in provincial success here in Minnesota, we decided this week to throw the "We Must Have More Minnesotans On The Roster" fans a bone. Clearly, since the Wild wind up at the top of the Power Rankings for the first time, they have been right all along. Never doubt a homer, I guess. For everyone visiting from outside the state, strap on your helmets (or Tin Foil hats), and come along for a journey through the crazy that is Minnesota.

Your weekly power rankings, after the jump.

This weeks rankings are based on the provincial belief here in Minnesota that a Wild roster with more Minnesotans is clearly the best way to win a Stanley Cup. What with those other teams that chose before the Wild in their respective drafts, and the Wild somehow not coming up with Zacj Parise, David Backes, or Kyle Okposo... clearly the Wild have messed up.

  • In order to show just how awesome Minnesota really is, we ranked the teams first by the number of Minnesotans on their roster (per their website). This is their HOMER score.
  • After that, as ties breakers, the teams were ranked in reverse order of the number of Wisconsinites on their team, or their CHEESE score. Why reverse order? Because it is Wisconsin.
  • Then, as a second tie breaker, the teams were ranked in reverse order of the number of Michiganders on the roster. Why reverse order here? Because any state that gets into a battle with Wisconsin over which one looks more like a mitten deserves to be treated poorly.
  • Finally, the number of Americans, no matter the state, as the final tie breaker, their PATRIOT score. This serves as a reward even to Canadians, because as we all know, Americans are clearly better hockey players.
  • Finally, any team that employs a player from North Dakota goes to the bottom of the rankings automatically. Don't like it? Go back to your snirt, you silly NoDaker.

Eastern Conference


Rank

Team

HOMER

CHEESE

MITTEN

PATRIOT

Last Week

Change

1

Rangers

3

0

0

6

10

+9

2

Jets

3

0

1

7

5

+3

3

Devils

2

0

1

7

8

+5

4

Penguins

2

0

1

6

15

+11

5

Hurricanes

2

0

2

7

14

+9

6

Capitals

1

0

0

4

12

+6

7

Islanders

1

0

1

8

9

+2

8

Senators

1

0

1

5

13

+5

9

Maple Leafs

1

2

0

8

2

-7

10

Canadiens

0

0

0

5

7

-3

11

Flyers

0

0

0

3

3

-8

12

Lightning

0

0

1

5

1

-11

13

Bruins

0

0

2

3

6

-7

14

Panthers

0

1

0

3

4

-10

15

Sabres

2

0

1

8

11

-4


The Sabres get immediately bumped to the bottom because they employ Paul Gaustad. They would have has a clear third place ranking, but they just had to show their NoDak pride. Silly Sabres. The Jets were so close to taking the top spot, but their obsession with mittens cost them.

Western Conference

Rank

Team

HOMER

CHEESE

MITTEN

PATRIOT

Last Week

Change

1

Wild

4

0

0

5

2

+1

2

Ducks

2

0

0

6

3

+1

3

Blues

2

0

1

6

4

+1

4

Canucks

2

0

2

6

8

+4

5

Avalanche

2

0

2

4

6

+1

6

Stars

2

2

0

6

9

+3

7

Blackhawks

1

0

0

3

12

+5

8

Oilers

1

0

2

4

13

+5

9

Sharks

1

2

0

3

7

-2

10

Predators

1

2

1

9

1

-9

11

Coyotes

0

0

0

1

15

+4

12

Blue Jackets

0

0

1

4

11

-1

13

Red Wings

0

0

2

5

5

-8

14

Kings

0

0

3

8

10

-4

15

Flames

0

1

1

5

14

-1

The Flames were hosed right from the get go on this. First, they employ no Minnesotans, a very stupid decision. Then, they have players from Wisconsin, Michigan, AND North Dakota. Brutal showing for a once proud organization.

The Wild finally take the top spot, where they belong, and show just why all those fancy numbers don't mean a damn thing. If you just stockpile Minnesotans, no matter their talent level, everything works out.

OK, Wilderness... who is too high? Too low? New suggestions for rankings?

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