After a long, heavily sedated slumber, the Hockey Wilderness Rumor Generator has been brought back online just in time for the 2011 NHL trade deadline. We had few juicy tidbits to work with, so we did what any respectable hockey rumor generation site would do.
We made them up.
Remember, if you will, the blockbusters we have broken using the HWRG2000. We found out the Cam Barker is really Kobe Bryant. We over came blue screens of Dater and Forsberg errors to attempt to literally save the world. If that weren't enough for you, we also learned of a three way deal involving Mikko Koivu, Chris Stewart and Alexander Ovechkin... just in time to kill the deal.
You should all be absorbing as much of these as possible. Someday soon we may switch this all to a pay service and become filthy rich off of you
suckers, our fine customers. We sincerely hope you enjoy Ol' Trusty's work this time around. It had plenty to work with after we c ompletely made up entered all of the completely reliable information.
Make the jump, will you?
We start with the blockbuster of blockbusters. Recently, we received a tip from an I. Kovalchuk that read:
Zach Parise has been calling his family in Minnesota an awful lot this week. Making plans, talking about homes, and he once said "I'll see you soon." Read what you want into that.
We fed this into the HWRG2000, and after about 20 minutes of processing, we got another blue screen of Dater. The report that printed out simply read:
Not knowing what to make of that, we called in Mr. Bennett who promptly called us all idiots and made us cry repeatedly. He did, however, fix the machine. We finally got what we were looking for:
RUMOR: Zach Parise's calls to his family were a smoke screen. Chuck Fletcher offered to fly him home for the weekend to help his cousin buy a house in Minnetonka that recently became available after the owner was imprisoned. Fletcher's motives are clear. He wants in on the flurry of Minnesotans moving about the league.
After this crushing blow to our Provincialism, we needed a drink. We slammed back a couple dozen GrainBelt Premiums and had an idea. We wrote it down, and fed it into the machine:
Eklund is wrong 99.999999% of the time, and the only correct rumors are the ones he "reports" after they are reported by TSN.
It didn't take long for the machine to do its job. No errors, no delay just a simple response:
Duh. You paid multiple millions of dollars for a high tech piece of equipment just to learn this?
RUMOR: You are an idiot. Go read HockeyBuzz.
Ouch. We went home, defeated by the HWRG2000, knowing we had fallen prey to the wily move of the veteran Mr. Bennett. We bow to the snarkiness of the programming, sir. We are truly grateful to be in your company.
Getting back to the business at hand, we turned our attention someone the Wild may be willing to trade away for assets. Knowing that Chuck Fletcher has said he is not a seller, we felt the best bet was to leave a message out in public asking for public comment. We were rewarded with a coded message signed by "TRich" that simply read:
Again, after having been called idiots by the HWRG2000, we felt little self confidence. We decided it best to not make our own guess, and let the hardware do what we paid for.
RUMOR: Colton Gillies is a hot commodity on Long Island. After bringing in Trevor Gillies just to find out he is not, in fact, the kin of Clark. Hot under the collar, Garth Snow immediately called Chuck Fletcher. Knowing when he has the high hand, Fletcher told Snow he woould accept no less than Jonathan Tavares in return for Gillies.
Knowing an Islanders team without a Gillies is like an ocean without fish, Snow said he needed a couple days to sell it to the media back in Nassau Coliseum. Then he laughed heartily. Expect this deal to go down on deadline day.
Huge news. Remember, you heard it here first.
Figuring there was no way we could find a bigger deal than this, we plodded on. We were completely out of information though. What to do, what to do? We found ourselves outside the Target Center very late on a Friday night. A man in a trench coat, who looked kind of like Phil Jackson, asked us for a dollar. Not wanting to die so close to Block E, we obliged. He handed us one of those religious comic books.
Just before I threw it out, I noticed that it had a note written on it.
Fletcher wants to make the playoffs "with this group." Don't count on it.
So excited to get this info to the HWRG2000, we raced back to the office, only to find that Nathan passed out in the corner. What's that about? Anyway, we put in the info.
RUMOR: No way Fletcher is just going to sit by when he knows Shaq is available. Sure, he told Barker to buy a house. He also told him he was getting a contract offer after next season. Things change. Just don't get Fletcher started on "those hilarious Comcast commercials."
After the laughter subsided at the image of Shaq on skates, and wondering where you find a pair of size 752 ice skates (I bet MLX has some, right?), we got back to serious business. We called the Kremlin to see if there were any Russian superstars the Wild might be able to add to the roster. They made a promise to call s back with some names as soon as they could.
Having held the KHL All Star Game just recently, they sent us a message in Russian:
Глупые американцы. Вы получаете бедняка обороны и идиот, который не может контролировать характер.
We were ecstatic. The next Ovechkin, the next Malkin was on his way to the Wild. An undiscovered talent that even the NSA did not know about. We were... stoked. Then we got the result:
TRANSLATION: Stupid Americans. You get poor defense man and idiot who cannot control temper.
RUMOR: The Wild have negotiated the rights to Martin Skoula and Chris Simon.
We were on our way to the new 35W bridge, planning to take a "leap of faith," when Nathan's phone rang. It was a Polaris dealer. He said they just had a customer in purchasing a new ATV. A nice one. He couldn't be certain, as the guy kept sort of wandering away from the desk like he didn't really know where he was supposed to be, but he thought the guy was a Wild player. He also said the guy told him something about "having this dream since he was three."
It made no sense to the salesman, but we fed it into the HWRG2000 anyway.
RUMOR: Jacques Lemaire is behind the bench, yet again, in New Jersey. The Wild need a center down the stretch, and the Wild need a center. Jason Arnott was suggested as a possibility by "sources close to the situation." Not wanting someone he is not familiar with, and being impressed with their prior conversations, Lemaire asked Lou to trade for James Sheppard.
How does the HWRG2000 do it? All that from a trip to the ATV dealer from a completely unknown customer? It's truly amazing this thing hasn't taken over the world yet.
We may never know the true extent of the power of the HWRG2000. We may never know why Nathan was passed out in the corner of the office just before we found out Shaq was coming to the Wild. Somethings may be best left unknown. I just wish our Canadian contact would tell us about the Wild's plans for Guillaume Latendresse.
I guess we'll have to wait until the next time we fire up Ol' Trusty.
Until next time, Wilderness.