"Yeah, so they offered me $7.5 million a year for nine years, and I said 'Unless you annex Wisconsin and sell it to Mexico, I'm out.'"
In our ongoing quest to ignore all signs that Zach Parise may sign somewhere other than Minnesota, today we look at ways the Wild could work to sweeten the offer to the hottest free agent on the market this summer. We all know the Wild have the money, and with the limits imposed by the CBA, there really is no advantage to be had when it comes to the dollars and cents.
Everyone here knows that Parise wants to sign here just because it is Minnesota. Never mind that he jumped ship once already to go play for the hated Fighting Sioux. He clearly has a bit of
traitor rebel running through his veins, so the fact that this is "home" isn't going to be enough.
The Wild are going to need to come up with some... unique ways to make their offer stand out from the rest. We start the list of contract offers that other teams simply cannot match.
Have any others? Add them in the comments.
- Change the name to the Minnesota Fighting Sioux.
- Bring in Dean Blais as his personal head coach.
- Sign his brother Jordan to replace Josh Harding (What? It worked to get him to UND!)
- Three words: Free. Jet. Ski
- Do a genealogical analysis to find out how Finnish he is.
- Zach Parise Day at the State Fair, including a booth with all of his favorite foods on a stick.
- Unlimited limo rides to and from Faribault, so he can visit his old stomping grounds.
- The organization will sue the NCAA to restore the Fighting Sioux nickname at North Dakota
- Minnesota needs to annex North Dakota and call it Minnekota.
- Hire Dave Haxstol as the Assistant Coach.
- Provide the entire Parise family with a complete 2-1 matching 401K.
- Make the day he signs "Zach Parise Day" across Minnekota.
- Partner with 93X so Zach gets to hang out with each of their "Hot Chick of the Day" winners.
- Pay off all the other teams to not offer a contract to Parise.
- A "must trade" clause for Tom Gilbert.
- A guaranteed, once a week meeting with Joe Mauer that would allow both players to discuss nothing but the local walleye fishing and the best way to prepare lefse.
- At least four games as the "in home" player for the Minnesota Swarm.
- The Wild will make arrangements for Joe Mauer to be removed from the Explore Minnesota commercials and be replaced with Parise.
- Amendment to Vikings stadium bill making it illegal for any other team that the Wild to win the Stanley Cup.
- Parise will get exclusive rights to all local car dealerships and heat & air conditioning company commercials.
- One of the five hits registered to Cal Clutterbuck for each hit at the Xcel Energy Center will be credited to Parise.
- Upon Parise's arrival at any Timberwolves game at Target Center, the PA shall announce "This is what a real man looks like" and then play Hulk Hogan's entrance music.
- Parise is to be offered board positions at Target, Best Buy, Medtronic, 3M, and General Mills. If these companies refuse to do so, they will be required to move their headquarters to Zimbabwe.
- Guaranteed Kemps ads for Grip & Go Milk.
- Summer work outs to include the starting second baseman job for the Minnesota Twins.
- Lake Superior? More like Lake Parise.