2012 NHL Mock Draft Fan "Contest": unyieldingflan, Presented by Charles' Fine Furs!

Instead of using the time-honored tradition of using a Ouija board to predict the NHL Entry Draft, I decided to go a little more high-tech: CHICKEN RACES! I had assembled the spryest and most fleet-footed of chickens, 200 in total, when I started to become a little hungry from all the assembling. Also, there was a neighborhood barbeque going on, so I had to gather up 200 of some other animal that I wouldn’t eat, cockroaches giraffes squirrels. With 200 squirrels in my possession, I attached a name tag to each squirrel.

On each name tag was written a name of a prospect eligible for the draft. After herding the eager squirrels into their starting positions, I opened the starting gate and the squirrels took off. Well, some of them did. Others were confused and barely moved forward. It’s as if those squirrels didn’t care about the 2012 NHL Entry Draft at all. Very enigmatic and lacking intangibles, I guess. As the squirrels were making their way down the 200 foot race track, I took careful notes of all 200 squirrels. Here are the top 30 squirrels with the fastest times, which predicts the 1st round of the draft.

Editor's Note: Great use of alternative draft pick selection methods. I would have liked to know the QUALCOMP of the squirrels, but still... pretty good.

  1. Olli Maatta – Edmonton Oilers
  2. Sebastian Collberg – Columbus Blue Jackets
  3. Ryan Murray – Montreal Canadiens
  4. Erik KarlssonNew York Islanders
  5. Pontus Aberg – Toronto Maple Leafs
  6. Alexander Galchenyuk – Anaheim Ducks
  7. Colton Sissons – Minnesota Wild
  8. Hampus Lindholm – Carolina Hurricanes
  9. Nick Ebert – Winnipeg Jets
  10. Nail Yakupov – Tampa Bay Lightning
  11. Zemgus Girgensons – Washington Capitals
  12. Brendan Gaunce – Buffalo Sabres
  13. Derrick Pouliot – Dallas Stars
  14. Brady Skjei – Calgary Flames
  15. Anton Slepyshev – Ottawa Senators
  16. Mikhail Grigorenko – Washington Capitals
  17. Cody Ceci – San Jose Sharks
  18. Filip Forsberg – Chicago Blackhawks
  19. Malcolm Subban – Tampa Bay Lighting
  20. Jordan Schmaltz – Philadelphia Flyers
  21. Morgan Rielly – Buffalo Sabres
  22. Nicolas Kerdiles – Pittsburgh Penguins
  23. Teuvo Teravainen – Florida Panthers
  24. Matt Finn – Boston Bruins
  25. Radek Faksa – St. Louis Blues
  26. Matt Dumba – Vancouver Canucks
  27. Griffin Reinhart – Phoenix Coyotes
  28. Tim Bozon – New York Rangers
  29. Jacob Trouba – New Jersey Devils
  30. Mark Jankowski – Los Angeles Kings

From my detailed notes are some highlights I think are quite enlightening:

Ryan Murray (3)

During the race, I certainly did not see much defense from Murray. All he did was run down the track. No defending at all! Are you guys sure he is a defenseman? Still, I was impressed by his stride and character. His squirrel sense is also near-elite! Upside: Defenseman, or something, I guess

Alex Galchenyuk (6)

Heading into the season, expectations were high for Galchenyuk, but unfortunately, an ACL tear kept him out for most of the season. Keeping this in mind, I was particularly interested to see his performance in the race. However, after close inspection, I was unable to find the ACL on the squirrel. So…Galchenyuk must be fine! No worries here! Additionally, Galchenyuk showed great creativity by trying to ride another squirrel. Upside: Scout Squirrel

Hampus Lindholm (8)

Not having heard much about Lindholm, I was curious to see what he brings to the table. Sadly, his name tag kept falling off his body. Consequently, I had a difficult time remembering which squirrel he was. Since Lindholm is a defenseman, then being not very memorable can be a good thing. Upside: #2 ghost

Nail Yakupov (10)

Offensive flair? A knack for finding the open man? I was severely disappointed by Yakupov’s performance in the race. He had a great start, but seemed to lose focus coming down the stretch. Also, his tail was not quite bushy enough. Upside: 1st line, with gritty nut-finding ability

Mikhail Grigorenko (11)

I’m sure we have all heard about how Grigorenko is a "floater" by now. Questions about his work ethic or his flight-risk to the KHL have scared off some fans. There was nothing enigmatic about this squirrel. Well, I am pleased to report that his squirrel displayed quite a lot of squirrel character and resolve. Right out of the gate, he sprinted forward as fast as he could. Near the end he dug deep in his squirrel heart and passed three other squirrels. That is some clutch performance right there. Also had a good north-south game, even though the racetrack ran north-south. Upside: 1st line, with soft fur

Anton Slepyshev (15)

Apparently, Slepyshev has that "Russian Factor". I don’t really understand how this squirrel made the trip from Russia. A squirrel making the journey from Russia to North America? Seems doubtful to me. Still, he showed great awareness of his surroundings and amazing acceleration. He just hit top speed right out of the gate. Toward the end of the race, he was fading away. One area he needs to improve on is endurance, which bounding from tree to tree should help with. Also, Slepyshev needs to hit the gym to bulk up since he has four short and stubby legs. Upside: #2 enigma

Morgan Rielly (21)

Now I don’t know if I was tripping balls, or if the squirrel was tripping balls, but Morgan Rielly was definitely doing somersaults all down the track. I didn’t know squirrels were capable of somersaults! Just imagine Rielly doing somersaults and spin-o-ramas down the ice. Yes please! How do you defend against that? You can’t. Upside: #1 somersaulter and/or ball-tripper

Teuvo Teravainen (23)

A riser heading into the draft, this Finnish squirrel is an intriguing choice. In the race, he showed a quick first step with erratic, jerky, and unpredictable movements, suggesting he can easily shake defenders. Moreover, he was digging into the ground several times, so he isn’t afraid to go to the dirty areas. Upside: #2 nut-stasher

Matt Dumba (26)

This prospect was quite ferocious at times during the race; he face-washed a couple of other squirrels and even tried to attack the audience. Dumba showed a short temper and kept trying to scratch everybody. He nearly put someone’s eye out with a howitzer of a nut-throw. Upside: #2 defenseman, PP quarterback, expert tree-climber

Jacob Trouba (29)

Now here is a squirrel that knows how to play defense. Surprisingly, he jumped into other squirrels’ lanes and tried to prevent them from advancing. While defending, he showed good gap control and good tail positioning. His backwards stride is impressive, though crossovers need work. Upside: #1 defenseman with limited offense (he almost forgot about the race!)

So there you have it! A completely scientific analysis of the 2012 NHL Entry Draft!

The opinions posted here are not those of Hockey Wilderness

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