You promised him what?
Yesterday, we looked at trying to fulfill some of the promises we made back in May to try to lure Zach Parise into signing with the Wild. Since he actually did (he really did, we checked), we figure we now owe it to him to at least try to make good on those promises. With so many of our inside sources busy feeding the anonymous Twitter accounts information to keep them going, we had to do an awful lot of heavy lifting on our own.
Side note: JS is not good at heavy lifting.
With Nathan (who?) having gone 1-for-6 on his promises, and taking almost $800 out of the party fund to pay for his ticket, today we decided to give someone else a chance to prove their worth. Today, Jesse gets his crack at the pinata. Let's see how this goes.
- Minnesota needs to annex North Dakota and call it Minnekota.
- Hire Dave Haxstol as the Assistant Coach.
- Provide the entire Parise family with a complete 2-1 matching 401K.
- Make the day he signs "Zach Parise Day" across Minnekota.
- Partner with 93X so Zach gets to hang out with each of their "Hot Chick of the Day" winners.
- Pay off all the other teams to not offer a contract to Parise.
Annex North Dakota and call it Minnekota
Jesse sent a nice letter to the governors of both Minnesota and North Dakota, laying out a solid plan to make this happen:
I am writing today to address a concern I think we all know is real. The danger of North Dakotans with oil money is a clear and present danger to the safety of Minnesota. Add to that a large stockpile of tactical and ballistic nuclear weapons, and Minnesota has no choice but to act under UN Charter, Chapter VII, Article 51, and in self-defense, annex the state of North Dakota for the greater good. Governor Dayton will lay out the terms with which North Dakota may surrender peacefully, otherwise armed warriors from Warroad will, without haste, invade. Through a simply game of ice hockey, Warroad vs the University of North Dakota Fighting Flickertails, the battle shall be determined.
1. The new territory must be declared "Minnekota."
That's it for terms. Mostly because that's what we told Zach we would do. Please surrender now, Governor... uh... Governor Norm... no, that can't be right. ANyone know the Governor of North Dakota's name? Is he a real Governor, or like a honorary Governor? What ever, it's not important. Surrender now, or our elite fighting force crosses the border on August 1st. With the "city" of Grand Forks evacuated due to summer, the battle will be short.
In the name of Minnekota,
Jesse De St Hubert
Editors note: We haven't heard from Jesse since he sent his letter. If someone has contacts at Gitmo, please let us know how he is doing. We have to assume North Dakota is too caught up in changing its name to "Dakota" to answer, and Minnesota did sent a letter, but all it said was:
"GO VIKINGS! Dear lord, please?"
Hire Dave Hextol as Assistant Coach
Mr. Hextol could not be reached. His voicemail message was:
"Hey, you've reached Dave Hextol, Assistant Coach of the Minnesota Wild. Dean Blais says he was hired by a guy named Sebastian, so we're headed to St. Paul. Leave a message, and we'll call you back. Thanks."
Weird. No idea who "Sebastian" is, but we're counting this as a win.
Provide for 2-to-1 Matching on Parise family 401(k)s
With the way the stock market has performed as of late, we went ahead and decided to do this on behalf of the Wild. To make this happen, we pooled our extra money, amounting to exactly $27.14 + some sort of fake $5 bill with hockey printed on it. Cute, JS, but just because we write about hockey doesn't mean we think money with hockey players on it is real. Jeeze.
After pooling our $27.14, we lit it on fire, relieved ourselves on the ashes, and then sent it all to a rich guy in California. We figured it was easier to skip the middle man (the stock market) and just sent it right to the end result.
Make the Day He Signs "Zach Parise Day" Across Minnekota
We may need to wait until the great Minnekota War of 2012 is settled before declaring this, but we did take a straw poll at the capital (the real one in St. Paul, not the confederate capital in Bismarck), and this will get done before the ink dries on the treaty and annexation papers. Trust on this. We have sources we refuse to name.
For some reason, the representatives in St. Paul also wanted us to know that we "shouldn't worry about Jesse anymore." They wouldn't elaborate. Oh well, it's likely not important.
Partner with 93X so Zach Gets to Hang Out With Each of Their "Hot Chick of the Day" Winners
Jesse actually called 93X about this before he disappeared. The conversation:
93X: Hey, 93X Half Assed Morning Show, you're on the air with Mrs. Zach Parise! What's your question?
JDSH: Uh... well, this is a little awkward. I was hoping to just speak with the station manager.
93X: No no, go ahead for Mrs. Zach Parise.
JDSH: Yeah, OK. Well, this is Jesse De St Hubert from Hockey Wilderness, and...
93X: Yeah yeah, Jesse De trying to over compensate with a French royalty sounding name from Hockey Wanderlust, just ask your question.
JDSH: That's Jesse De... never mind, it's not important. I was wondering if you could let Zach hang out with the "Hot Chick of the Day" winner each day. I'll hang up and listen.
The resulting explanation from the new Mrs. Parise has landed 93X in a bit of trouble with the FCC. This may have contributed to Jesse's disappearance. Oh well, we'll figure out where he is.
Pay Off All of the Other Teams not to Contact Parise
This worked on most of the teams, to be honest. Only the Flyers, Devils, and Red Wings figured out that the $5 bills with hockey on them weren't actually money. They must have hired people that grew up with JS. This can't be the first time he's tried this.
Well, to be honest, the Flyers beat our delivery guy to a pulp before the package could be delivered and stole his favorite puck, the Devils mailed us a severed foot, and the Red Wings wrapped it in tin foil and sent it back in a pizza box.
Most teams never replied, but it should be noted:
- The Blue Jackets tried to buy a candy bar with it, but when it didn't work, traded it to the Rangers for two quarter looking things with loons on them. It was odd, but Todd Richards seemed really excited about the deal.
- The Flames kept it, but insisted on giving us $20 for the next 16 years for it.
- The Oilers rushed it into a high end account, hoping that it would result in another one each year.
Promissory Score Card
Promises Kept: 2
Promises Broken: 4
Authors lost to "Black Sites": 1