Blowing off some steam: Why the Wild suck

Richard Wolowicz

People are pushing my buttons, so I'm digging in as far as possible to find my inner Bryan

Things are looking great in Minnesota Wild land. The Wild are on a four game winning streak, and have won in regulation in two arenas that hadn't seen Wild wins in, well lots of years. Points-wise, only the Chicago Blackhawks and the Anaheim Ducks are ahead of the team in the western conference. Devin Setoguchi has found the scoring touch Wild fans have been looking for since the Burns for Charlie Coyle / Seto trade happened. Jonas Brodin and Ryan Suter are lights out playing and getting national attention for both the Calder and Norris trophies respectively. All four lines are having success, and the team chemistry is great.

Everything looks great right? WRONG.

Somehow, there are still large groups of fans who are trying to rain on the Wild's parade (and no I'm not talking about a Stanley Cup parade, let's be realistic here). Obviously Brodin and Suter don't deserve to be nominated for either trophy because their offense isn't amazing. If they were true candidates, both of them would be leading the team with 50 goals, and some first assists, but no second assists because they don't matter.

Suter and Zach Parise weren't worth the money they were paid because they aren't putting up INSANE offensive numbers. Not to mention, both Brodin and Suter had lower TOI minutes than Patrick Kane last night (who cares about the circumstances really). A bunch of bums we have on that blue line.

As for that 3rd place in the western conference thing, really it's just a technicality that the Wild are there anyway. Everyone knows that not only is the western conference the weakest conference out of the two, but the northwest division is the easiest division in the NHL to play in. Oh wait, the Wild would still be tied for third with the Kings if they weren't "gifted" the 3rd spot? Ok, moving along then.

Did anyone know that the Wild play boring hockey? Especially against teams like the Colorado Avalanche, who are on fire and playing great hockey this season. What's that? The Avs are in last place in the west right now?! Oh. Guess boring hockey produces more points than some fast-paced hockey. Along the same lines as boring hockey, stop saying the Wild play a Lemaire trap game. They don't, and Lemaire hasn't coached the team in four years. They aren't playing his style anymore.

And those damn rookies. Honestly, if they want to be considered good players, they really need to keep their heads up. Jason Zucker should know that Corey Perry was planning on coming after him long after Zucker sent the puck off in another direction. Coyle, even though his head was up, should know well enough to get completely out of Niklas Kronwall's way, because that's just how hockey works. Brodin should have expected that Jamie McGinn would punch him in the face, just for the sheer fact that Brodin is better at hockey than McGinn is.

Someone needs to teach these rookies a thing or two about how the game works, because obviously they aren't getting it.

Minnesota hockey fans have had to deal with a lot of downs when it comes to hockey. Norm Green was a moron and decided/was forced to strip Minnesota of its professional team in 1993 (Disclaimer: People need to stop hating Dallas/Texas for this. Norm Green did this, not Dallas, not Texas, not the Stars team. I'm sure that Wild fans can come up with a much better reason for hating the Stars than because they "stole" the North Stars).

The Wild have left a lot to be desired the last few years. 3 playoff appearances in eleven years to date, and then only making it out of the first round one time, which was 9 years ago. Yes, they were the best in the NHL for awhile last year. Then they promptly fell to 7th worst, and probably could have almost out-muscled Edmonton for winning the "most horrible at hockey" award if Kaptain Mikko Koivu would have just sat out a few more games. That Mikko, he ruins everything.

Speaking of last season, let's take a trip down memory lane. Remember when the Minnesota Wild played spectacular hockey for the last half of the season? This would have been impossible, because the Wild didn't exist for most of the last half of the season. Even though the team had Minnesota Wild jerseys and equipment and lived at the Xcel Energy Center, anyone who claims that team was anything other than the Minnesota Aeros needs to have their alcohol level checked. The team had a combined 20.8347587 NHL games played combined (yes, I made that up. But it's close to being right).

So fans of other teams, you'll have to excuse us for being excited over such a teeny thing like being 3rd in the west and being on a four game winning streak. Finally, the Wild have nice things. The team is working together, the drafting has been OMG AMAZING since Chuck Fletcher came on board, and finally the Minnesota Wild are giving the fans something to be excited about, and it looks like for more than just this season. Finally, Wild fans have legitimate NHL talent and prospects to be excited about. Let us be excited for more than a few seconds.

*Super big disclaimer. Some of this is sarcastic. Maybe. If I take shots at you or your team, it's not because I hate you. You're just a bad person with bad tastes in professional sports teams. HW has been thinking about forming a 12 step program to help fans of other teams who want to realize the err of their ways and jump on the Wild bandwagon. We're here to help if you chose to get help.

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