As an overly-concerned fan of other non-Wild teams I pay special attention to how teams build their talent to make sure it falls within the appropriate guidelines. Some of these guidelines are pretty standard. You have your salary cap, performance bonuses, market value, length of term, etc.
Other guidelines are those unwritten rules that should always be followed in order to Win The Cup By Using the Light Side Of The Force. With these guidelines you have your developing homegrown talent, drafting superstars, never signing a big free agent and following the rules of a new CBA when under the rules of the old CBA.
Not hard, right? Well, I guess it is for the Evil Empire Minnesota Wild. When Emperor Leipold and Darth Fletcher signed Grand Moff Parise and Stormtrooper Suter to matching free agent contracts they broke the cardinal rule of the Light side: they tried to rule the NHL galaxy by building Deathstar contracts and generally doing Dark force thingies.
Well, guess the fuck what Minnesota Wild fans? You forgot about the exhaust port on your Deathstar contracts didn’t you? You dumbasses. Jonathan and Patrick Skywalker are sooooooo gonna make you bitches pay for that!
You see, Chicago uses the light side of the Force to build teams. In a galaxy far, far away…Jonathan and Patrick Skywalker were raised by the Blawkhawks on the desert planet Tatoonie-cago. Those two, along with Han Hossa will bring destruction to the Evil Minnesota Empire, eliminate the Dark side of the force and finally bring peace and harmony to the NHL Galaxy (that is until a Skywalker falls in love with Han Hossa and they have twins and one of the twins becomes a Sith…but that’s getting ahead of ourselves)!
There is only way to build a team and that’s the Light side way. It means being terrible before being good. It means drafting and raising and growing players that will become potential Hall of Famers—I mean, potential Hall of Famers are pretty easy to find and they are in every draft—and it means finding that rogue scoundrel that everybody loves even though he TOTALLY shot first.
It means that those of us that are rooting and cheering for the Rebel Alliance can stick our noses up against those that support the Evil Minnesota Empire run by that hack Darth Fletcher who not only helped design and build the Deathstar contracts but also hired that fucking bounty/head hunter Boba Cooke. Seriously, how can you cheer for a team that employs a bounty/head hunter? I don’t care how badass his costume is.
Every fan knows that instead of building and designing a way to rule the NHL Galaxy you should just grow a way to rule it. Like how Planet Tatoonie-cago grew Jonathon and Patrick Skywalker. I can guarantee that if you asked all of the current 22,000 residents of Tatoonie-cago they would tell you they were part of the 12,000 population that lived there before Jonathon and Patrick Skywalker were born. They aren’t a bandwagon population. No way. It’s basis math and its basic Light side of the Force principle.
Down with the Wild. Down with the Empire. Eliminate the Dark side of the force. Everybody draft generational talent and superstars so we can have peace throughout the NHL galaxy!