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In Defense of the Caveman

If we all remember, yesterday I picked a bit of a fight with a Red Wings blog, Abel to Yzerman. While the conversation it started has turned into something I did not intend, I feel I owe them an apology. You see, in the original post, I referred to the blog as "From" Abel to Yzerman, and that is incorrect. I apologize.

Now, on to the defense of the caveman.

I do not want this to turn into a long, drawn out argument about who is right, who is wrong, and who is smarter than who. That looks to be the way "The Chief" would like it to go, judging from his response, but I would prefer to keep this somewhat professional. I will do my best to contain the vitriol and keep this civilized. I cannot promise anything, however.

Quite the quandary, eh?  What to do, what to do.  Take the high road?  Yes, I’m sure that’s the right thing to do. I’m sure that’s the mature approach.

But, you know, that would be way too difficult, right?

It would appear that the subject of blogger access is a touchy one in Minnesota.  Why do I care about that?  I don’t.  I don’t care if a single blogger in Minneapolis or Duluth or Fargo or wherever the Wild play ever gets to go into a locker room and pretend they’re Michael Russo.

Thought so.

No, I do not believe I can be Michael Russo. Russo is likely the best hockey writer on the planet, and all around a class act guy. I still owe him a beer, but that is another story completely. The Wild play in Saint Paul, but "The Chief" likely knew that already. Judging by the fact that Fargo is not even in Minnesota, this was likely a backhanded swipe using a terribly bad movie that made small minded people across the country believe that Fargo was indeed in Minnesota. It isn't. (See, I didn't even make it one paragraph before going the low road. I'll try harder going forward.)

Blogger access is a bit of a touchy subject here in MN, yes. I would be willing to bet that bloggers across the NHL agree, however, as it has been a topic of discussion on many blogs for years now.But he doesn't care about that, so no sense arguing about it.

And away we go.  "Buddha", the blogger in question, is not happy with me and you.  Not. Happy. At all. He’s offended by our bias, offended by my grammar...specifically my selective capitalization and use of question marks.  It literally offends him, or so he says.  Because if you look at him, you can tell that when he’s in front of his AP English class and he’s going all Milton and shit on them? No doubt who the lit expert is.

Again, never said I was unhappy with your readers, nor your fans. I did say they are conspiracy theorists, but your readers seem to be proud of that. It likely comes from all of those years working at the Ford plant. Oh wait, that closed? Sad. Maybe the GM plant, then. That closed too? Oh. Well maybe it is from the fumes of dead bodies laying around in parking ramps for weeks at a time.

Dammit. See, I got drawn onto the low road again. I apologize to all of the laid off auto workers who are reading this. I'm sure the jobs will come back eventually. Perhaps you could move to Tennessee and work for Nissan, Toyota, Honda, or Hyundai and then you could cheer for a the Predators and be done with the association to A2Y.

For the record, I failed AP English because I skipped it due to it being that simple. I am not ashamed of being smart, although it seems some people are, and for them, I offer yet another apology. I am sorry that the English language comes easy for me. You see I have only been speaking and writing it for 30 years now, so I can see how it would be intimidating to some.

He then goes after my picture.

With that hat and that pinky, you’re calling me homerific?  Ohhh....homer. Not...nevermind.

Yeah. Nice. With the homo reference. Classic. Homophobic diatribe. Nice. This from a guy who doesn't even post a picture of himself. 

I stopped reading A2Y awhile back.

Uh huh.  Sure you did.

Today I was told by a friend to go read the two latest posts over at A2Y.

Uh huh.  Got it.  One of those.  He never reads us. It’s beneath him.  The only reason he was over here was because he was "told by a friend."

For the record, I can’t recall every writing a word about Minnesota hockey.

This is one of my favorite methods for countering an argument. Assume that the writer wrote something simply for effect. "Uh huh. Sure you did." As if I have a reason to lie about it. Is "The Chief" so arrogant that he believes that no one would possibly stop reading his blog?

You have never written a word about Minnesota hockey, despite the fact that your team plays them four times a year? Too busy coming up with clever homophobic jokes?

"Buddha" is going to prattle on about our lack of objectivity (a new development here) and the wacky way we write (alliteration bitches) our headlines...also something shockingly new.  And he’s going to spend paragraph upon paragraph talking about...grammar, on a hockey blog.

OK, where to start here?

"Prattle on?" I mentioned the lack of objectivity what, once? Maybe twice? I never said there was anything wrong with it either, just said that NHL teams can point to it as reason to deny credentials. You see, for those of us who have been in a press box when our favorite team is playing, there is an urge to cheer. You can't, or you get kicked out. Objectivity must reign, and the NHL feels bloggers cannot be objective.

Next, you mention alliteration. Putting question mark in the middle of your title is not alliteration. It is just stupid. (Damn, low road again.) Alliteration is the use of words that all start with the same sound to cause a feel of motion and building in words. Something like "The Chief is a homophobic hosebag homer" would be alliteration.

Grammar? On a hockey blog? Say it ain't so! Yes, I went after your grammar. Deal with it.

But you want to know the real issue with this guy?  He wants to take his little itty bitty cybershot camera into the Wild lockerroom, get a snippy snap of Derek Boogard’s back tattoo and the team won’t let him.  "Buddha"? He’s sad.  He’s angry.  He’s a blogger, by god, and he deserves the same access as a beat writer.  But fatass can’t get in and he’s looking for someone to blame.

This is where "The Chief" starts to completely lose all respectability. More homophobic banter. I have the same access as a beat writer. If you would do some background research, I am a beat writer. Go find it. I'll wait here.

I don’t give a flying foxtrot if you or any other hockey blogger anywhere has access to jack squat.  Just like I don’t care if the Wild have any games on Versus (do they?) or if team ownership in Minnesota, despite one of the best fan bases in all of pro sports, refuses to spend money on the product. I literally don’t care.  Access wouldn’t make my stuff more appealing to the 19 people who read it. And, therefore, I don’t care about it.  I don’t want it. And frankly, I frigging laugh at the ass-hurt nimrods, whining little bitches, pathetic piss-ant, wannabee journalists who get off on thumbing through a sticky-paged thesaurus, doing their pseudo-pretend sports reporter game recaps on their commodore 64’s while the fantastic beat of Gloria Estefan pounds in the background really frigging loud but don’t worry about waking up the girlfriend or the wife because with that hat? Yeah, not an issue.

It's not an issue. You don't care. And yet, you write a full length article about how I am a homo and bash me for being intelligent, all the while you continue to tell me you don't care. Right. Got it.

Who cares if they have games on Versus? No one gets Versus any way. For the record, they had 9 games on Versus last year, and I believe 7 this year.

I’ve had access to one pro hockey game my entire life.  Last year, was it?  Paul got me into the press box at the Verizon Center.  It was fun, and I’m glad I did it. Wasn’t the Wings. Caps and Panthers.  I wrote absolutely nothing of consequence, nothing I couldn’t have written from my couch with a warm PBR in front of me. Best part was laughing with the Caps bloggers about how I had nothing to write about. I guess I could have gone down to the locker room...but I would have felt like an idiot.  Not my job. Not my thing.  Don’t need it and don’t want it.

At the Verizon Center. The one arena in the entire NHL that lets anyone in the world in.

Guess what, "Buddha"? If I’d wanted access, Paul would have gotten it for me.

Prove it. Anywhere other than for a game played in a home rink from the Southeast conference. Make it happen.

But you know what? Your act is as easy to see as mine is.  I’m a passionate fan who likes to write about my team, for my friends, in a way that I enjoy.  You?  You’re a bitter little boy who wants to play in a sandbox you’ll never be qualified to dig in.  Hell, maybe you even have access and you’re just playing high and mighty and sticking up for those who don’t.  God, that would be even better.  Ned Beatty on a crusade.  Whatever.

Bitter little boy. Nice touch.

I do have access, but that doesn't seem to matter to you, so why bring it up?

Deal with it, or don’t.  But I’d highly recommend you consider who you’re going to slam next time because you’re out of your league.

I'm out of my league? Really? What league is that exactly? Am I supposed to be scared now? I'm not. Give it your best shot. You and all of the readers who commented on the last post, after of course removing their lips from your ass, can do your worst. I'm not afraid. I've argued with bigger, stronger, tougher people than you.