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Time Again for Some Off Day Fun

As our regular readers may know, when things get slow around here, I like to have some fun. Rather than pick on a piece of bad writing today, I thought maybe we could discuss some techniques for counter cross-stitch, or perhaps make a nice sham using our crochet needles.

What's that? You don't sew, nor knit? Huh. Me either. Guess we'll have to go with the ol' tried and true. Make the jump. This one is more fun than the last time we tried this, I promise.

My bet is that my good friend Ms. Conduct will have a thing or two to say about this blog post she found late last night. Make sure you check back with her for her take.

Let me start by saying that the Naples News is a reliable source of basic information about the ECHL's Florida Everblades. If you would like boxscores, and perhaps a little tad bit of insight, head over to the main sports site, as they can certainly provide that. If you want to actually learn something about the team, you will need to head over to Swamp Hockey. Enjoy. For now, we focus on a blog posted on the Naples News website.

I am completely unaware of how many female readers we have here at Hockey Wilderness. Honestly, I am not sure we have any, but hey, if we do, hopefully they will chime in on this one. Let's get to it.

Find the article blog post idiocy HERE.

First, a quote disclaimer from the end of the piece, and from Naples News:

Michael Hornung is not a Naples News Media Group employee and isn't compensated for writing this blog.

Good thing, because he is about to make your paper look stupid.

I'm going to leave out the errors in grammar, as they are beyond the point, and everyone makes them, right? So, let's move on to the dissection. The first two paragraphs are fairly routine, but set the tone of the post:

Women can be the most passionate fans in all of sports. I have attended numerous sporting events, from golf to bullfighting, and the passion that comes from the female hockey fan is second to none.

If I was single and looking for the perfect match, I would have to take my girlfriend to a hockey game and she how she reacts to the game and other fans. In no other sporting venue are the female fans as passionate as they are at a hockey game.

My first date with my wife was a Wild game. We were married on a hockey rink. I understand the passionate side of female hockey fans, and would agree that some of the most passionate fans I know are women. That said, I'm am fairly certain their gender has little to do with their passion for hockey. Anyway, we'll leave these two paragraphs alone for a bit.

Next up, we have this:

Over the last 11 years attending Blades hockey games I can tell within moments if a woman would be the "type" I could have a relationship with. It really is quite an interesting dynamic. Throw out all the online dating services, match-makers, or "expert advice" on finding your right mate just follow this foolproof system.

Not sure sure why "type" needs to be in quotes, but from what I have read so far, the "type" of woman you are looking for is not the same "type" of woman the rest of us have ever met.As for a foolproof system, as any man knows, there is no foolproof system, and if you tell us there is one, we will prove just how foolish we can be.

Now we get to the nitty-gritty, and we may need to do this sentence by sentence.

Women at hockey games can be broken down in the following groups: First, there are the Diehards.

As we all know, women just LOVE being grouped into stereotypes, right, ladies? But, Diehards, that's not so bad.

They are the ones that support the team no matter what. They are usually seen wearing their favorite player's jersey on a regular basis and will own both the home and away jerseys.

Support the team no matter what, wear their favorite players jersey, and have home and away jerseys. Check. 85% of the state of Minnesota. Got it.

They are fun to be with at the game but they get to [sic] emotional about "their" team.

Let's take a moment for a look at language. Generally, when the conjunction "but" is used, it negates the truth of the first part of the sentence. So, while Michael tells us he thinks they are fun to be with at the game, he then negates it with "but." "They get to[o] emotional about 'their' team." Too emotional. Ever want to start a fight with someone, call them emotional, better yet, tell them they are "too emotional." Besides, what's wrong with being too emotional about hockey? Huh Michael? Huh?

The Diehards usually belong to some sort a booster club, travel to road games, call the players by their first names, and will say that "we" won or "we" lost.

So, obvious question here, but are men allowed to use "we" when referring to the team? Or is this only an issue when women do it? Because, you know, about 295 million people do this.

Second are the Hockey Honeys. This bunch are usually 30-something and will attend the games dressed in tight jeans, perfect fitting cashmere sweaters, Christian Louboutin shoes, and are very well accessorized. They come to the game to be seen and cheer the team on.

Oh, dear. This is about to get really ugly, isn't it? Yeah... it is. They come to the game to be seen? So, let me put this together in my "Minnesota hockey fans are better than southern hockey fans" addled way. The Everblades game is the in place? It's where women go to be seen? Really? I mean, if that's the case, good on ya, but I have my doubts. And damn these women, dressing nice. How dare they? Come on. Hockey is no place for well dressed women. Oh, and they are there to cheer the team on. I assume Michael means this as a compliment?

They can talk about numerous topics, but they also enjoy the excitement and speed of the game of hockey.

They. Can. Talk. About. Numerous. Topics. (picture me, jumping up and down, pointing excitedly) Guys, guys! Come over here! It's a woman who can talk about numerous topics! It's way better than that horse that could count we saw at the fair!

Dear lord, man.Does it get much more misogynistic and condescending than this sentence? Yes it does, as he ends it by saying they also enjoy the game. Gee... thanks for that, Michael. Way to attempt the duck and cover. Epic fail.

The younger version of the Hockey Honey is the Puck Bunny. These are the late teens/early twenty-ish girls that are looking for a hockey boyfriend. They usually spend more time at the bar or walking around the rink to really be into the game. They will wearing a much cheaper version of the Hockey Honey's outfit and will usually travel in "packs."

Well, I have to admit, I know a puck bunny or two, and they do exist. However, the age grouping doesn't fit, as I know puck bunnies of all ages. As for spending more time at the bar, you just described all but one ticket holding member of the Club Level at the X (looking at you, SpaethCo).

"Wearing a much cheaper verison of the Hockey Honey's outfit." So, not only are they drunks, but they are cheap, too. You are winning all kinds of points.

The Puck Bunnies can be extremely loud at the game and will tell an opposing fan where to go if they boo their favorite player.

So am I, and so will I. Do I now qualify as a "puck bunny?" (Fill in joke here.)

The next group are the Newbies. These are the women usually in their late 40s or older that just don't get the reason to be present at a hockey game. They think you should be as quiet as a church mouse or act like you are at a tennis match. Only clap for a good play and never yell at the opponent.

Only women over 40 can be new to hockey. Got it. Only women over 40 don't understand the reason to be present at a hockey game. Check. Only women over 40 think we should be quiet at a hockey game. Double check. Only women over 40 clap for a good play, and only women over 40 never yell at the opponent.

By this definition, 18, 560 members of a sell-out crowd at the X are 40 year old women. (Fill in joke here.)

They act like they are at Wimbledon and will give you that dirty look like, "Oh my God, he is yelling at a hockey game." They are the ones that will be running to find an usher if you are too loud to complain. They also really like the fights, but would never admit to it.

First off, if someone shot me a dirty look for yelling at a hockey game, they would probably get a beer empty beer cup thrown at them. Second, run to an usher? What is the usher going to do? Tell them to sit down, that's what.

"They also really like the fights, but would never admit to it." So, they hate the game of hockey, made it to their 40s without ever going to a game, don't want to be there, complain about loud people... yep, this strikes me as the type, sorry, "type" of person that would enjoy a good bludgeoning.

The final group are the French Canadian Hockey Divas. They know the "craft" of hockey, have their own wealth, speak multiple languages, and don't mind being referred as a "trophy wife."

Remember earlier when I asked if he could get more misogynistic? He does that here. First off, they know the "craft" of hockey? Is that a bad thing? They are French-Canadian. They better know the craft of hockey, or they would have been disowned and sent to Florida. They have their own wealth and speak multiple languages. Sounds like someone I'd like to meet. You know, if I were single. A rich, intelligent woman with a talented tongue. Yep. Every guy would HATE that. Final point on this part. What woman with her own wealth ends up a trophy wife? Would they not have a "trophy husband?"

Bottom line, hockey is THE sport that you can use as a true barometer to see if you are compatible with the one you're with. It is as easy as investing the time in a 2 ½ hour game to see if this is the right woman. Looking for that Soul Mate? Bring her to a game see how she acts, or go to a game and look for "your" type of the Female Hockey Fan.

Hockey is the only sport you can use to judge if you and a woman are compatible. Even if you yourself, gentlemen, do not like hockey, you can still use hockey to determine if you are compatible. It's as easy as investing 2 1/2 hours of your life, and employing this tried and true method of stereotyping, categorizing, demeaning, and belittling the one you are with.

But you know, you can find "your" type of the Female Hockey Fan. Female Hockey Fans being something you would shop for like a car or a coffee shop. Right? Not sure why the quotes moved from "type" to "your" in this part. Anyone?


So. Wilderness. Here are my questions for you.

1. Will I get in as much "trouble" as I did the last time I criticized a fellow writer?

2. If Mr. Kukla is reading, this is for you. Shall I expect threats from Michael?

3. What are your thoughts on the matter? In other words:

What say you, Wilderness?


(Author's note: I was not making fun of people who sew, crochet, or knit in the intro of this piece. I was simply suggesting some activities that are generally not associated with the majority of hockey blog reading people. Fair enough?)