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What Not to Read: A New Series by Bravo

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Having been taught to never lend your bullhorn to a bullfrog, it is difficult for me to comment on certain items that come across the web. There are hundreds of hockey blogs, most of which I read, some of which I avoid like the plague. Commenting on every crackpot in Vancouver's blog about how much they hate Derek Boogaard would exhaust my day.

However, when it comes to the Chicago Blackhawks, their fans deserve better. Also, it is still August, so we have some time to kill.

Today, we take a look at what I gather to be a Blackhawks blog, entitled "Hockey Junkyard." Ironic name judging by the content. Continue reading and see what at least one person in Chicago thinks of your Minnesota Wild. I'm going to make some jokes about spelling, grammar, and style. Here's hoping I don't screw mine up in the process.

Following a tried and true method, the author of this blog is doing a team by team preview of the upcoming season. They previewed the Kings yesterday in what almost passes as writing by someone with a coherent grasp of basic English. Today they preview the Wild.

Starting off, there is this:

Minnesota once your state had the great North Stars now you are stuck with the Wild, but hey it could be worse you could go back to not watching hockey again. Now with the newly signed Mikko Koivu for another 7 years and Marty Havlat for 5 more years just be prepared to be stuck in the cellar of the Central for a little bit longer. Just maybe you Minnesotans will be lucky to get a new ugly third jersey every couple of years. Those have to be the worst jerseys in hockey sorry the truth hurts.

First off, this paragraph should actually be more like three papragraphs, but hey, your style, not mine.

Indeed, Minnesota once had the North Stars. They used to crush the Hawks on a regular basis as well. However,  that was going on twenty years ago. Time to let it go. Now we are stuck with the Wild, and apparently the ability to come back from a five goal deficit to beat your favorite squad.

With Koivu and Havlat signed, the Wild should enjoy the cellar of the Central for a bit longer. Agreed... wait... WHAT? The Central? As in the central division? The one that the Wild are not in? You know that little thing called credibility? Yeah, it just walked out the door. You may want to at least wave as it does so.

Maybe the fans in Minnesota will be lucky enough to get a new ugly third jersey every couple of years. Oh, ouch. As the kids would say, "Oh, snap." Or wait, let me check... yeah, no one cares about your opinion about the Wild's jerseys. It is a lame joke, a lazy joke, and one that has been beaten worse than than the Cubs in a playoff series.

The truth hurts? Do a Google search and see which NHL team's jerseys continue to be ranked highest on lists of top sweaters. Go ahead. We'll be here when you get back.

This team could score some goals if some of the players stay healthy and get their heads out of their pads. Martin Havlat and Mikko Koivu are deadly snippers when they are actually in gear and on the ice (not so good when they are in the press box watching). Poor Marty Havlat he wonders why we (the Blackhawks) decided to go with Marian Hossa instead of him, maybe its the injuries Marty. Cam Barker the Blackhawks 3rd overall pick in the 2004 NHL entry draft needs to find his game one of these days. Cam was very disappointing last couple of years in Chicago never really living up to his 3rd pick after Evgini Malkin and Alex Ovechkin. Wow did we lose out on that draft pick here in Chicago!

Fairly certain this should be at least two paragraphs.

Koivu and Havlat are deadly snippers. Yes, hockey fans, they are mean with a pair of scissors. Oh, you meant snipers, got it. They are only good when they are healthy and on the ice, though. Guessing that was aimed at Havlat, but since you use "they" you seem to be including Koivu in that as well. Koivu, who has missed five games total in the past two seasons.

As for Cam Barker, I am looking forward to watching him make you eat crow this season. Tough for a defenseman to prove himself when thrown on a third pairing and given no special teams minutes. Oh, and it's "Evgeni" Malkin.

The Wild do have an outstanding goalie in Niklas Backstrom with a very good back up in Josh Harding (who's contract is up after next season please Minnesota don't resign him he'll look really good wearing the Indian head sweater as our number one next year!) who fills in for Backstrom when he's injured. Often injured Brent Burns is a decent offensive defenseman when he's not watching from the press box. It's weird we traded Cam Barker to the Wild for Kim Johnsson and I think Kim only played about 8 games before a year ending injury, maybe it's something in the Gatorade up their.

For the Hockey Wilderness readers who are still in school, this is an example of how not to write. It seems to be a paragraph about injuries, but it is set up to be about Backstrom and Harding and then winds its way to Barker and Kim Johnsson.

Harding would look really good in a Hawks sweater, I'm not going to lie. I hope he does, and I hope he plays extremely well in the process. Just make sure your GM submits all the paperwork on time, OK? Oh, and make sure there is cap space.

"Often injured Brent Burns." Yes, often. Those two concussions causing him to sporadically come back and then leave again for a couple games at a time. He didn't do that? Oh. Well, sorry then.

"Maybe it's something in the water up their." Up their what? Here, let me help you with this one. Visit The Oatmeal.

Moving on.

Well I don't need no stupid 8 ball or anything like that to tell me that the Wild will be watching the playoffs from the press box or the golf course whatever they prefer. Daydream time kids lets just say that everyone stays healthy can they make a playoff run? Nope sorry still don't think that can happen. Maybe you Minnesotans would rather not have a team or were those ridiculous third jersey.

"Well I don't need no..." I want to gouge my eyes out. Someone take this fork away from me. I wonder if there is someone who tracks records for things like "worst sentence ever written." This would be nominated for sure.

Why exactly would the Wild watch the playoffs from the press box? If they aren't in it, they go home. Let me re-write this the way it should read, OK? Save my readers the pain of trying to decipher it.

I don't need a magic eight ball to tell me that the Wild will be watching the playoffs from the press box or the golf course, whichever they prefer. Daydream time, kids. Let's just say that everyone stays healthy. Can they make a playoff run? Nope, sorry, I don't think that can happen. Maybe you Minnesotans would rather not have a team, or wear those ridiculous third jerseys.

Sigh. I'm spent. Sorry about the English lesson, my dear Wilderness. The main point of these exercises is to point out  just what is wrong with some of the blogs out there. Here again, we hear too often that anyone with a keyboard can have a blog. This would be an example of that.

I apologize if you do not enjoy reading this type of post. They are simply part of my continuing push to point out the differences between blogs worth reading, and blogs run by a drunk teenager with a third grade education. To make sure that there is an understanding that there are, indeed, blogs that deserve to be part of the media, and there are blogs that deserve to be deleted immediately. I'll let you choose which is which.

I truly hope that Hawks fans are spending more time at Second City Hockey than with this "writer."