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Hockey Wilderness Rumor Generator 2000: Saving the World

After a couple of weeks of processing the information ourselves, the crew here at Hockey Wilderness decided to call Mr. Bennett back in to help us out. This confounded machine just does not like us, we figured. Turns out there was more to it than than. In a letter Bennett left on the machine (he would not let us in the room, dang recluse), this is what we learned:

This information has literally taken the HWRG2000 weeks to fact-check. There were blue screens of Dater, Forsberg errors, Flames and Oil spewing from the seams, and, if I didn't know better, I think the HWRG2000 got Mattias Ohlund'd due to the amount of time it took to recover. But never fear readers of the Wilderness, the HWRG2000 (aka Ol' Trusty), is back and better than ever. Here is the information. Remember...this info is F.Y.E.O! That is, of course, a reminder to keep these rumors quiet...written in the native tongue of 5th grade girls.

The amount of complicated subroutines, algorithms, and other math words that have to be accounted for inside the programming of this thing has got to be astronomical. Amazing piece of technological engineering, but what a  touchy little snot. The machine, not Bennett. Although, on second thought...

Anyone caught spreading these rumors will be shot. Of course, since this is a new, more friendly America, we simply mean shot with a camera. You know? Like the head shots the NHL thinks players are worried about. 

Make the jump. Learn something. Laugh a little. It'll be fun.

We received another field report from Special Agent Double Zero. How the man gets this information out is beyond me. The danger involved here is amazing. People with guns filled with tie dye ink, ready to ruin a nice shirt, are around every corner. Thank you Agent00. Your hard work (Sorry Tom) is always appreciated. The field report:

I just arrived stateside after my last mission to Europe. While HW HQ sent me to find what I could on this enigmatic "Filatov" person, KGB personnel were in hot pursuit of me after the Malkin Environmentalism scandal that was brought to light.

My escape route took me through the Austrian city of Innsbruck. While walking through the hotel late at night I was attracted to a room filled with girlish giggles. Expecting to find a bevy of Austrian beauties I was shocked to find three NHL players laughing like school children. Surrounding a laptop that was filled with LOLcat pictures was none other than Andreas Nodl, Michael Grabner, and former Gopher Thomas Vanek. After jotting this juicy find down I backed away lest I be discovered.

While heading for my rendezvous point I stopped through Ljubljana, Slovenia which was filled with chaos. Stopping in the city square I discovered why. A new heroic statue was being erected of Slovenian Stud (and part time zombie) Anze Kopitar. Weeping, shouts of joy, shouts of encouragement, singing were all heard as the sculptors tirelessly worked. The strange part was though, and why this fact might warrant further discussion, was that his jersey's logo was still being made, but it wasn't the shape of the LA Kings'...

I decided then that I should check out something more obviously Wild related. I went to Switzerland to check up on an old friend of the franchise, Alexandre Daigle, and after a lengthy interview I was able to group the following 7 short facts together which I think MAY be related:

1. Alexandre still likes hockey
2. Last year he had 30 points in 31 games
3. He likes to play RW
4. He was a #1 Overall pick
5. He DOES NOT have a team for 2010-11
6. Cam Barker was a #3 Overall pick
7. I have from a good source that the Wild desperately are longing for any chance to move Martin Havlat

Is this all circumstantial happenstance? Maybe. But when i sat down with Alexandre my rumorsense was definitely tingling. (At least I hope it was that and not the Nurse's Outfit.) I hope this reaches you safely...if tampered with disavow any knowledge of its source unless you want a PR nightmare on your hands as the MSM will surely be looking for a reason to show, once again, just how dastardly bloggers "really" are!

This could have been the back breaker for the HWRG2000. It literally took days for the poor thing just to ask for help. O'l Trusty actually sobbed while begging for Bennett. It was sad, and yet... touching. After the reunion, we got this:

RUMOR: The road to success runs through Europe. Many, and I mean many, actually feel that it was Europeans who came across the ocean, and settled into what are now known as the United States of America, and the Northern States of North America, commonly referred to as Canadia, or "Canada." With amazing talents abounding on sheets of ice, it is only natural for teams to be looking for a change. Most teams are dying for draft picks, especially top 5 picks. Sometimes, you have to think outside of the box, to get back into it. The Minnesota Wild are seriously looking into a sign-and trade of Alexandre Daigle, to be moved in a package with Cam Barker and Marty Havlat for Anze Kopitar, and 1,300 pounds of freeze-dried brains.

QUATRAIN REVEALED: The three from Southern Prussia will unite, in the summers of no ice, in a land of no ice, where the roars of lion-like creatures are cheered. Together, their futures unknown, will produce pride for the land of no kangaroos.

I am liking the quatrains. That was not discussed at the sales meeting. A secondary source of revenue, perhaps? Oh, and clearly, the freeze dried brains indicates a trade with the Canucks. Moving on.

We receive tips all the time. The way we pass this imformation is a matter of national security, so we cannot share all of the details. However, we can tell you this. Not all comments are "just" comments. You never know when one of our special agents are trying to get us some tid bit that they feel is important, but cannot be trusted to the back channel delivery drivers.

You think you have cracked the code? You're wrong. However, it brings us to this smuggled piece of info:

Chuck Kobasew threw a puck to a young fan and winked. 

You also never know just how important that small piece of info is going to be. I could be the difference between nuclear annihilation, and peace on Earth for fifty years. Scary, right? Wrong. All it means is that we might miss a trade rumor. Get your head on straight people. 

RUMOR: Hockey players are encouraged to help build the game. The simple flipping of a puck into the stands can make a fan for life. But just how genuine was Mr. Kobasew's manuever? Upon review, the HWRG2000 can state, with 97.4% certainty, that the young boy flipped the puck was none other than Canada's Justin Bieber. Knowing full well that he looks very similar to a head-shorn Brad Pitt, Kobasew's choice of fan was no coincidence. Chuck, known for his speed, physical play, and "Pitt-eyness," is planting a seed to get closer to the coast, so, if nothing else, he can be a stunt/body double for Brad Pitt in he and Bieber's upcoming action-thriller "Dissonance and Trainwrecks." Chuck Kobasew has requested a trade to the Los Angeles Ducks of Anaheim. The HWRG2000 cannot extrapolate who Kobasew may be moved for, but additional information fed into Ol' Trusty regarding Mikko Koivu's missing his family, may be suggesting something.

Amazing. Kobasew for Saku Koivu? That would be an amazing trade. Wait. Unless the HWRG2000 is still suffering from the Forsberg errors and it thinks Aaron Voros is "family." Sigh. We don't need another speed bag...

Another one of our agents was traveling in East Timor, collecting data for the NSA, when they came across a useful bit of information for us. They blew their NSA cover story in order to access a game re-cap and pass on this information. This will likely result in them being burned by the NSA, and being hunted ala Bourne Identity. This stuff is real, people. Real.

No it isn't. You fell for that again? Silly people. Fake rumor post. Got it? OK, good. Anyway, so we fed the information in, and that one simple sentence had some huge ramifications on this team.

RUMOR: Big Joe. What can be said beyond Big Joe? Joe Thorton brings his skills to the rink game in and game out, and is known to be one of the better playmakers in the game. In recent, yet separate, interviews, both Coach Todd Richards and Owner Craig Leipold mentioned how the Wild needed better scoring opportunities. What better way to create scoring opportunities, than to bring in a playmaker of playmakers? Couple this with the fact that the San Jose Sharks are aggressively seeking a goaltender, it all becomes clear. The Minnesota Wild are in negotiations with the San Jose Sharks to trade Niklas Backstrom and Jose Theodore for Joe Thorton and his playmaking abilities. There is further reason to believe that the Wild are trusting Anton Khudobin the rest of the way. If this deal gets done, Joe Thorton will centre a line with Marty Havlat (if he doesn't get traded for the zombie Kopitar) and Pierre-Marc Bouchard. This way, that line can give a clinic on passing in the offensive zone, and drive up those scoring chances, all the while, having no concern about finishing said chances.

Offensive zone passing clinics. Yet another revenue stream. This is awesome. As for the trade, it make sense. Think about it. What would butts in the seats more than getting a one goal lead, likely from Cal Clutterbuck, and then sending out this new line to simply play keep away for the remainder of the game? Would certainly make the idea of keeping Borat a good one. I mean, who needs a $6 million goalie if you just pass the puck for 55 minutes or so?

Speaking of passing the puck... Recently we found an article about Pierre-Marc Bouchard published on an LA Clippers website. We wondered... is this further proof that Cam Barker is Kobe Bryant? We added our own information into the mix, which probably wasn't a good idea. I thought I saw something that only field agents were allowed to have input, but we tried it anyway.

RUMOR: Unbeknownst to many, PMB wants to be Spud Webb, and for whatever reason, the LA Clippers picked up this story instead of the Atlanta Hawks. Sure, his vertical leap doesn't compare well, nor his 3-point jumper. But have you seen PMB's crossover? His no-look passes? Sweet kisses off the glass? A guy can't be everything, but if you can be something...why can't PMB be Spud Webb? However, the HWRG2000 can easily discount this info having anything to do with Kobe Bryant. Why you may ask? No further proof is needed: Cam Barker = Kobe Bryant. 
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Look at those two pictures. Have you ever seen more conclusive evidence in your life? 

This is what we do here people. We uncover the truth, and we save lives while we do it. Without Hockey Wilderness, Mr. Bennett, and the HWRG2000, the world would likely fall into the hands of Soviet Communist Nazi Terrorists, making for a great Bond film, but ruining the Federal budget for forty years or so. Instead, we have worked hard (Sorry Tom) to ensure the world avoids nuclear winter for another day.

This time, I'm serious. Mr. Bennett saved the world with this last rumor. Thank you to him, and his hard work (Sorry, again, Tom) on this post.