clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

The Zach Parise Files: Kentucky Derby Edition

"If coincidences are coincidences, why do they feel so contrived?" - Mulder
"If coincidences are coincidences, why do they feel so contrived?" - Mulder

There are few things that make a Wild fan's heart go pitter-patter like talk of Zach Parise signing in Minnesota. The rumors and talk go on, despite July 1 being far enough away that anything could happen. These rumors send not only Wild fans aflutter, but fans across the league. All of this talk and conspiracy is enough to drive anyone insane.

For this reason, Hockey Wilderness has created a super secret (don't tell anyone) division of agents and detectives to examine signs that may otherwise be lost in the background noise. Couple with the powerful Hockey Wilderness Rumor Generator 2000, these agents will be able to determine which events around the world are actually signs of Mr. Parise's intentions. Nothing is too small, nothing too big to be an indication of what he is thinking.

This team of detectives has identified the first event that could give us a small insight into what Parise will do this summer: The Kentucky Derby.

I will admit, I'm not a horse racing fan. I don't understand the draw at all. I can see the draw in car racing, or even soccer. But watching animals run around in a circle? It's like Equestrian Dance being an Olympic sport. Until the horse gets the reward, it isn't a sport. Sorry folks.

Still, our agents report that the Derby gives us insight into Parise's motives.

You see, the winner, "I'll Have Another," was sired by two American horses. It is not until the horse's grand-parentage that we see any Canadian blood. Going back even further, we can see some European influence from Ireland and France. Our agents tell us the European influence is simply a smoke screen to distract us from the useful information.

The fact that both of the horse's parents are American, and only one of four grandparents are Canadian, this eliminates all Canadian teams from the Parise race. Sorry Maple Leafs fans, it's not happening.

Of course, eliminating seven teams doesn't much help when there are another 23 to deal with. We need better information. Deeper digging. Or do we? Perhaps the answer is right in front of our faces. I'll Have Another's trainer is Doug O'Neill. O'Neill was born in Dearborn, Michigan. He currently resides in Southern California.

This is a sign, the agents say, that Parise is leaning toward the Ducks, Kings, or Red Wings. The owner of the horse currently resides in? Southern California. The Kentucky Derby is the "Run for the Roses." Where is the Rose Bowl played? That's right. Southern California.

Kings fans and Ducks fans may want to start investing in their Parise sweaters now.

We haven't heard from the Stick Taping Man yet this week, and we have just started digging into the signs. Stay tuned to Hockey Wilderness for more on the Zach Parise Files.

Until next time, remember: Trust No One... named Shanahan.