Zach Parise and Ryan Suter Files: Alternate Captains and People Who Don't Get It

The big fish have been landed, filleted, and eaten. Wild fans continue to buy both Zach Parise and Ryan Suter jerseys in droves, and are taking Occupy the X to whole new levels with their buying of season tickets. Fans on Twitter are already engraving the Cup, while others scream about the worthlessness of even trying. The majority, however, are still flat out excited about the upcoming season.

Of course, the usual trolls would have you believe it is all for not, and that Wild fans have no right to be happy about this at all. Do with that as you will.

One controversy we should nip in the bud, kill at the root, do other cliche things to is an insidious desire to be stupid about things. For example, rather than sit back and enjoy things as they unfold, there is a small group on Twitter beginning to question why Parise and Suter were made alternate captains.

This, apparently, is how long fan geekdom lasts. Less than a week. Join us as we look at captain-gate.

The Situation

Don't you just love a good -gate? At the press conference yesterday announcing Parise and Suter as members of the Minnesota Wild, and to give the media the pictures they need to lead the sports page / section/ broadcast, the two newest members of the team were presented with fancy green sweaters. With big, harvest wheat A's on the left shoulder of each.

Enter the stupidity.

Why are these two players being handed the alternate spots? What about Dany Heatley? What about Matt Cullen? What about Nick Schul... never mind.

The questions seem to stem from an overblown sense of loyalty and some kind of nepotism. Who knows why fans do this, but they do, and that's... OK. Just so long as deep down they know that the saying "There is no such thing as a stupid question" only exists to make stupid people feel better about themselves.

Why are Zach Parise and Ryan Suter the new alternate captains? Because they are the two best players on the team, and the C was already taken by the best leader in the room. Because these two just signed 13 year contracts below market value to come to a team to win, showing something we like to call... leadership. They want the challenge, and welcome it.

Why are they the alternate captains before they ever even play a single game in the Wild unis? Because that's the way things work. Heatley and Cullen will get over it. I promise.

To the Haters

It has been requested that we add a "To the Haters" section to at least each post about Parise and Suter. So, for that section of the Wilderness, I will do my best. This is for you.

To the haters,

I regret to inform you that this particular section of the Minnesota Wild fan base is out of fucks to give about your particular opinion on this matters. We apologize for the inconvenience, and plan to have a new stock in the coming days, barring any set backs in the manufacturing process. While you wait for the fucks to arrive so we can give them, please accept this lovely handful of absolutely nothing as a token of our sincere wish to not care about you or your pain in the ass opinion.

Thanks for stopping by,

The Wilderness