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Zach Parise Files: Delivering on the Promises Made - Part One

Hockey what now? Oh yeah... you guys owe me. Big.
Hockey what now? Oh yeah... you guys owe me. Big.

It turns out, the internet has a memory. This lesson is often learned by companies who put something in the social media realm without thinking the ramifications through, individuals who bite off more than they can chew, and highly compensated athletes who tweet about not having enough money. The offending words can be deleted, but through the magic of Google, most of the web is cached for later use.

Other times, we leave the post up long after the stated purpose is served. We were remind by Mr. Bennett, the mind bending builder of the Hockey Wilderness Rumor Generator 2000, that back in May we may have made some promises to Zach Parise to get him to come here. We now look at getting some of those promises fulfilled.

Today, we look at the promises made by Nathan.


  • Change the name to the Minnesota Fighting Sioux.
  • Bring in Dean Blais as his personal head coach.
  • Sign his brother Jordan to replace Josh Harding (What? It worked to get him to UND!)
  • Three words: Free. Jet. Ski
  • Do a genealogical analysis to find out how Finnish he is.
  • Zach Parise Day at the State Fair, including a booth with all of his favorite foods on a stick.

Renaming the Team

Nathan: Hey, Chuck, it's Nathan Eide from Hockey Wilderness.

Chuck Fletcher: Nathan what? From where?

NE: Hockey Wilderness.

CF: Never heard of it.

NE: It's not important. So, here's why I'm calling. Back in May, we may or may not have made some promises to Zach Parise to sort of... sweeten the pot.

CF: Yeah, well, we signed Parise, it's already done.

NE: Yeah, I know. Congrats on that, by the way. We think maybe some of the promises we made may have swayed Zach to sign, and even bring Ryan with him. The first thing we promised was that the Wild would rename themselves the Minnesota Fighting Sioux.

CF: The what now?

NE: You know, like the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux?

CF: Didn't they rename themselves something stupid... like the Flickertails or something?

NE: That's not important. Do you think you could possibly pass it by Craig, maybe put it in front of a board of governors meeting, see if you can't get the name changed for us before the season starts?

CF: This is who again?

NE: Nathan Eide, from Hockey Wilderness.

CF: Hockey what now?

NE: Hockey Wil... never mind. Can we count on your support with this?

CF: *shouting into the outer office* Someone get Ryan Stanzel in here, right now!

NE: Uh... never mind, sir. We'll find something else to give Zach. Thanks for your time, sir.

Bringing in Dean Blais:

For this, we scheduled a conference call between Mike Yeo, Mr. Blais, and Trev Alberts, Athletics Director at the University of Nebraska - Omaha.

NE: Thank you, gentlemen, for taking the time for this call. I promise to keep this call short. This is Nathan Eide, with Hockey Wilderness...

MY: I'm sorry, who with what?

NE: Nathan Ei...

DB: Great question, Mike. Who the hell is this?

NE: Nath...

TA: I don't want to buy any magzines. *hangs up the phone*

NE: Wait! Coach Yeo, Coach Blais... we made some promises back in May to Zach Parise, and we think some of them may have helped to bring him here. We were wondering if either of you would be willing to work with us to make Coach Blais Zach's personal head coach.

MY: So... two head coaches?

DB: I'm listening.

NE: Yeah. Two. One for the team, and one just for Zach. That could work, right?

MY: Aren't you the guy who wanted Chuck to rename the team?

NE: Yeah, to the Fighting Sioux, but that's not impor...

DB: Tell me more.

MY: *Yells to outer office* Someone get Aaron Sickman down here RIGHT NOW! *hangs up the phone*

silence on the line

DB: You still there, Sebastian?

NE: Nath... never mind. *hangs up*

Signing Jordan Parise to Replace Josh Harding

Having burned his one phone call with Chuck Fletcher, Nathan went outside the box on this one and called... well... me.

NE: Hey man, it's Nathan.

BR: Who?

NE: Nathan, from Hockey Wilderness?

BR: Never heard of it, but go ahead.

NE: Hey, I know you guys had an event back in June that Harding was supposed to play in, but didn't. You guys at DTBL had Jordan Parise there, right?

BR: Yeah, yeah. He played pretty well. Carried his brothers bags out of the arena, too. Very brotherly.

NE: Sweet. Any chance we could claim credit for Jordan playing in that game to meet one of the promises I made to Zach if he signed with the Wild?

BR: Uh... sure... I guess. You know that playing in a charity game isn't the same thing as signing with the Wild, right?

NE: It's OK, they both went to UND, they'll never know.

BR: Yeah, man. Go ahead and claim that as your idea.

NE: Thanks man.

BR: Hey, so, how about you pay me to write at that site you mentioned earlier?

NE: Hockey Wilderness?

BR: Yeah.

NE: Never heard of it.

Free Jet Ski

If you could look at the contract, which you can't, you would see that on page 542, paragraph 6, subsection 54, it clearly states:

One free jet ski shall be given from the party of the first part to the party of the second part upon signature of this document in front of a notarized unicorn.

Turns out, Parise didn't sign in front of a unicorn. No jet ski. Sorry, Zach. We tried. You blew it.

Do a Genealogical Analysis to Find Out How Finnish Parise Is

We got the results back, and they weren't good. We did, however, set up a call with Mikko Koivu and Mikael Granlund to discuss an idea.

NE: Hey Mikko and Mikael, this is Nathan Eide with Hockey Wilderness.

MK: I'm sorry... who?

NE: Nath... never mind. It's not important.

MG: I've never heard of that... Hockey Wanderlust.

NE: No, no. Hockey Wilder...

MK: What do you want? *stares at Nathan through phone*

NE: WeWereWonderingIfYouCouldPossiblyGrantZachPariseHonoraryFinnishCitizenshipSoHeWontKillUsForMakingPromisesToHimInMaySoHeWouldSignHere?

MG: Uh... I hang out with tons of teenage girls, and I have no idea what you just said.

MK: Honorary citizenship? What do you think Finland is? Some sort of Cracker Jack box that sells baronries and royal decrees? Call England.

NE: But I...

MK: *stares at phone*

NE: Sorry, sir. I'll let you go.

MG: Put me on a stamp!

Zach Parise Day at the State Fair

Nathan, having been brow beaten by everyone he called, went to the State Fair offices to discuss the matter. After entering the office, the Falcon Heights police deportment was called immediately. Turns out? Nathan forgot to put pants on before leaving the basement.

Promissory Score Card

Promises Kept: 1

Promises broken: 5

Fines paid for indecent exposure: $755

Tomorrow: Join us for a look at the promises made by another member of the Hockey Wilderness team.