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NHL Lockout Update: Players & Power Players Begin to Lineup Other Jobs

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OH MY GOD IT'S SO FLUFFY!!!
OH MY GOD IT'S SO FLUFFY!!!

With the pending lockout looking more and more like it will become reality, and likely become extended, we know that all of you in the Wilderness are losing a great deal of sleep over how the players and power players in the dispute will be able to put food on their respective tables. Lord knows that with the growing number of fan petitions and videos being produced, the fans are starting to believe they actually matter again.

We here at Hockey Wilderness wanted you to be sure that there are a number of dispute participants that have already lined up jobs to secure their financials during a lockout. With the number of jobs out there in the world, and how talented these guys are, you would think not many of them will be out of work for long.

Check out our list of confirmed work for the locked out players & power players, and then tell us any you have discovered.

  • Gary Bettman will work in a familiar role, co-starring in Despiciable Me 3.
  • Pierre-Marc Bouchard will be a cereal box cover model for Lucky Charms in Canada.
  • Mikko Koivu replaces Chris Hemsworth in the sequel to one of this year's top movies.
  • Cam Barker will, of course, be the starting shooting guard for the LA Lakers. He should be fine.
  • Mike Yeo will train US soldiers on how to kill goats with their mind.
  • Charlie Coyle and Zack Phillips will remake "Night at Roxbury" for a Canadian audience.
  • Nate Prosser will continue to make American Pie sequels.

Bruce's sources tell us:

  • Brad Staubitz has a job lined up as a "jobber" on WWE.
  • Zach Parise plans to run for Governor of Minnesota. He is the odds on favorite, even with no election for that position scheduled.
  • Tom Gilbert will work on Ryan Suter's farm, but none of skill set will impress those in Wisconsin.
  • Alex Semin has signed a deal to play for the Green Bay Packers, since neither side believes defense is necessary.

Finally, JS has learned:

  • Jared Spurgeon has accepted a conditional contract as head of the Lollipop Guild.
  • Marco Scandella has leased a pizza palace type building called "Pizza." The tag line on the sign reads "Get it? Because 'Scandella' is Italian." We were going to tell him it's funnier if they figure it out on their own, but we didn't want to hurt him.
  • Cal Clutterbuck will travel back in time and become a 1920's gangster.
  • Mikael Granlund will spend his time descending into hell to save the hockey world from Satan.
What lockout work have you found for other players & power players, Wilderness? Let's hear them in the comments.