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For The Love of Everything that is Decent, Please Just Stop Doing The Wave

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"The Wave" is stupid, and so is everyone who participates.

Mikko Koivu rolls his eyes whenever you do The Wave.
Mikko Koivu rolls his eyes whenever you do The Wave.
Joel Auerbach

Tonight, I will be going to see the Minnesota Wild face off against the Carolina Hurricanes.

I'm pretty excited.

However, my experience at the Xcel Energy Center, which is always fantastic, is in danger of being slightly marred by the biggest scourge in sports:

The Wave.

For those of you who are lucky enough to not know what The Wave is, stop reading. Seriously, stop. You've been given a gift. Don't scroll down.

If you don't know what The Wave is, and decided to take a dump the wonderful gift of ignorance on this issue, screw you. You deserve to have your life ruined.

Wikipedia defines "The Wave" as, "an example of metachronal rhythm achieved in a packed stadium when successive groups of spectators briefly stand, yell, and raise their arms. Immediately upon stretching to full height, the spectator returns to the usual seated position", but it could have just saved everyone the time it took to read 45 extra words by just writing "Stupid", and it would be just as accurate. The origins of The Wave are disputed, probably because whoever invented it tried to blame other people, who are angrily denying responsibility, as if it were a particularly pungent fart. After reading this paragraph to my girlfriend of (almost) 6 years, she said that she thought The Wave was "kinda fun", and she's sleeping on the couch tonight.

Here is a complete list of times when it's acceptable to do The Wave at a professional sporting event:

1. When you're less than 8 years old.

2. When you have a kid who is less than 8 years old, and only out of the same parental obligation that makes you pretend to enjoy The Wiggles.

3. If you're a team mascot.

4. Never.

But people still don't understand that The Wave is stupid and unacceptable, so we'll break down the reasons why it's stupid.

Not Part of Wild Lore

The Wave would feel much less stupid if this were something that originated in Minnesota, and was closely tied to Wild history. Then it would be our Rally Monkey, or Octopus throwing, an admittedly silly tradition that has a unique local feel. But it's not our Homer Hanky- it's inexplicably done in every stadium in the world. I could deal with a silly tradition, Wild fans, but make one of your own.

Peer Pressure

Doing The Wave is just giving in to Mob Mentality. You're doing it just because everyone else is doing it. That makes you a sheep, and your wave a wave of sheeople. So congrats for giving in. But what's worse, by doing The Wave, you're also trying to force me to partake, lest I miss a potentially crucial moment staring at the backs of everyone in front of me. Jerks. Which brings us to our third point...

Sit Down and Watch the Game

You didn't pay to stand and obstruct views, and nobody paid to watch your back. Hockey isn't baseball. There aren't 90 second intervals between events. It's constantly moving, flowing, and at any given moment, you could be 5 seconds away from scoring. So at any given moment during your Wave, you could be cheating some spectator of his experience, for the crime of attempting to retain his dignity. This sends you to "the special kind of hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk at the theatre."

Discriminatory Against the Handicapped

And if that isn't enough, wait until you stand up to do the wave... only to find out that the person next to you lost his legs to a bad papercut-turned-infection. Then you'll feel bad.


Anyway in short, don't do The Wave, because it's stupid, and it will make you stupid. Please don't let me see you do it tonight.