Now that every team in the league has played between 2.4 and 3.6% of their regular season games, I thought it would be as good a time as any to do like many other media and sports outlets are doing and give you my predictions for the various awards that will only be awarded in like about 8-9 months. I will also give you my Power Ranking, because apparently, we already know the order in which all the teams rock our socks off.
Candidates: Sidney Crosby, a bunch of other shmucks.
Winner: Sidney Crosby
Who else would this award go to? I mean, apparently, it's his Hart already. Sidney Crosby already scored TWO (!!!!!) GOALS! His first goal was such a magnificient run-of-the-mill wrist shot that all sports channels drooled over and showed again and again and again! What a guy!
ART ROSS TROPHY
Candidates: Alexander Ovechkin, Mikael Grabovski, Lars Eller
Winner: Lars Eller
I'll go with the dark horse pick and say Lars Eller. I mean, he already has 5 points, and all other chumps not named Alexander Ovechkin or Mikael Grabovski have less than that. Plus, Ovechkin and Grabovski are Russian, so you know, they're enigmatic and stuff.
Candidates: Anyone who has yet to reach the legal drinking age in the U.S.
Winner: Jacob Trouba (apparently)
It seems that despite him only having played two games, Jacob Trouba is already the best rookie in the NHL if I'm to believe TSN and the rest of the Canadian Twittersphere. Never mind giving other rookies who might not have played yet a chance to prove their worth, or waiting a few more games to see if some will rise or fall, we don't have time to let things play out. It's not like Trouba isn't always going to score goals and play somewhat well compared to the rest of his putrid team, right?
To be fair, I'm not saying Trouba doesn't have a shot, but there are better rookies out there. Give them a chance to wow us.
Candidates: Jason LaBarbera, Ben Scrivens, Marc-Andre Fleury
Winner: Not Marc-André Fleury. I mean, come on.
These are the best goalies in the league right now. Or at least, according to GAA and SV%. What did you say? Two back-ups? Not a big enough sample size? Well, no one has a big enough sample size, but that doesn't stop everyone and their dog from already knowing who is the best in the league in everything.
Candidates: Everyone who has blocked more than one shot.
Winner: Derek Morris
Am I kidding? Are YOU kidding? His name is ALMOST Norris! Plus, he has .5 points per game, which is pretty good for a defenseman and the Norris is about points anyway now and not actually about defense.
LADY BYNG TROPHY
Candidates: 335-way tie.
Winner: Matt Kassian
There are 335 guys who have zero penalty minutes. That's a lot of gentlemen. I picked Matt Kassian because he's always nice to people on Twitter, so he must be nice on the ice too, right? Unless there's something I'm forgetting or overlooking...
Candidates: Everyone with a positive +/-.
Winner: Erik Karlsson
What? He's a defenseman? Could've fooled me. Are you sure he's not an undercover forward? No? Huh. Ok then...
Winner: Pavel Datsyuk, because it may as well be called the Datsyuk.
TED LINDSAY TROPHY
Candidate: Whoever wins the Hart
Winner: No one. Merge the two trophies already. What's the point?
The silliest thing I've seen all week was the NHL's power rankings. Here's which 5 teams nhl.com felt were the best after THREE DAYS OF REGULAR SEASON ACTION:
1. Chicago Blackhawks (1-0-0)
2. Los Angeles Kings (1-0-0)
3. Detroit Red Wings (1-0-0)
4. St. Louis Blues (1-0-0)
5. Pittsburgh Penguins (1-0-0)
Notice that they didn't necessarily put the teams that had performed well, just their favorite/best teams. 4 of the last 5 Stanley Cup winners and the Blues instead of the Bruins just so we don't get suspicious. Talk about safe bets. The LA Kings in second was especially ridiculous since they squeaked past the Wild in the shootout after being mostly dominated.
I also like that they put the Ottawa Senators 9th despite them not even having started their season yet.
My power rankings will be a little different:
1. A team with vowels in its name (Not Edmonton though)
2. A team with consonants in its name (Still not Edmonton)
3. A better team than Edmonton
4. Edmonton. Nahh, just kidding, not Edmonton.
5. A team whose name doesn't rhyme with ''orange''
6 through 30: Who the hell cares?
I'm not saying I have anything against predictions and power rankings. In fact, I enjoy them. But please, wait until everyone has had the time to settle in. Maybe 15-20 games or so? We'll have a better idea of who is going to sink or swim.
That reminds me, everyone panicking and going crazy over two extra-time losses to start the season deserves a good kick in the private parts. There are 80 games left. Calm the hell down.