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An Open Letter to Paul Maurice

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Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Dear Paul Maurice,

I'm writing to you today to address your intense display of klexos. Sure, immediately following your preseason game against the Minnesota Wild, who soundly dispatched your Winnipeg Jets squad to the tune of 8-1, the emotions were fresh and perhaps you were not thinking clearly. That's fine, life goes on ya know? Yet I cannot help but think you have this obsession with lachesism, and that is not something you want to hold on to as the regular season approaches.

It's clear as you struggled to find the right phrases to use throughout your press conference after the game you may be dealing with some intense feelings of altschmerz. When you attempted to crush Wild Head Coach Mike Yeo for playing his top guys towards the end of a game that was out of control, without for a second realizing that when you throw out the goon squad that the tendency of a team with more skill, especially in that situation, would be to try and run up the score on you just a tad.

As a fan of another small market team, I can completely understand your monachipsis in this league. As another market where we don't get a whole lot of national press, it's easy to feel left out when all anyone wants to talk about is the big bad Eastern Conference, or the glam-rock teams out west. A word of advice from a long-time fan of small market teams, just let it go man! Try not to let it bug you too much. Sometimes it's best to be forgotten instead of being remembered for putting your foot in your mouth.

Does the world seem to be spinning out of control on you? Are you feeling like occhiolism is slipping into your role as head coach? I'm sorry but last I checked your squad has been gaining steam. You've rid yourself of some cancerous baggage. You have a young, fast, hungry team that could be going places in the NHL. Are you feeling a smidge Kuebiko with your teams play late in the game? Or your "star" defender Dustin Byfuglien constantly head hunting in something as meaningless as a preseason game, not to mention the regular season?

Your comments after the game represent a real tilt shift. After all, this is just the preseason and the games don't really count quite yet. It's been a couple days now and perhaps a bit of  nementia has seeped in as well. I'm by no means stating that feelings of pâro should creep into your mind. Let me just ease your mind a little bit here, you are doing a fine job up there at The Wall.

Just remember, life in the NHL might sometimes seem a bit anecdoche, but it's not. The eyes and ears of the league are always watching, and are less forgiving than you might like, even in a preseason game. So try to practice a little more liberosis with your job, especially in the preseason. After all, in the end, it is just a game.

Sincerely,

The Noogie


Thanks to the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows for all the new not-words.